JESUS RESIGNS!
The following is an excerpt of an article taken from a made up newspaper story near the time when Jesus almost died at the hands of allegedly pious, self-righteous and wicked religionists who claimed to hold the keys of Gods authority in a direct line from Moses down to Caiaphas. The blogger and this blog take no responsibility for the excerpts nor the content of the article. Any opinions expressed are those of the article's authors.
JESUS OF NAZARETH RESIGNS FROM JEWERY!
Headline News, Jerusalem April 1, 34 A.D.
Associated Scribes™ Jerusalem--On Monday, just days before crucifixion rumors were swirling around the man known as Jesus of Nazareth, he simply resigned from the Jewish church, citing doctrinal differences and divine decree. "I just can't take it anymore", Jesus is quoted as saying. "They were just so mean! My dad is really really put out about this--and I'm not talking about Joseph!", as he stomped off with his arms folded, and tears welling up in his eyes. "It's not fair!"
Church officials made no official comment but a spokesman for the Sanhedrin told the Associated Scribes™ that the church was not in the business of forcing members to stay or leave. "We wish young Jesus all the best, but his name has been taken off the rolls of the church and he has lost his eternal salvation as a result. He can't hurt us now--he resigned."
Jesus was rumored to be in the middle of a coup to overthrow the kingdom of the Jews and set up the Kingdom of "God" in its place. But the church has never acknowledged Jesus or his authority. The official stance has always been that he nor his homeless cousin have any authority to act in the name of God. As far as the church is concerned this puts an end to the matter. "One lost his head, the other lost his mind", quipped one anonymous Elder.
Angry followers of John resorted to violence and tipped over some of the royal guards' chariots as a show of protest. They are also reportedly behind several arson fires started on the homes of some of the twelve men thought to be in Jesus' inner circle. "John wrested the keys, and this is what Jesus does with them? I hope the angels give him hell. The earth may just be totally wasted at this point", was the retort of one follower of John.
"Jesus was not the son of God. He is not Lord. He is not the long awaited for Messiah. Under Mosaic law, Jesus in effect divorced himself from the church. He is the guilty party and will be responsible for the consequences which ensue after his resignation," Caiaphas was heard saying when questioned if the church was responsible for pushing out Jesus.
Top officials in the church denied they were involved in bribing Roman officials to put the man on trial, with the potential for a crucifixion verdict. "Many claimed he was the King of the Jews. He even made the claim himself I'm told. There was a lot of excitement and talk of miracles and Gods hand manifest in this young man. Now he's voluntarily left the church. Just another itinerant preacher who couldn't deliver. He clearly had a "Messiah complex". We are never happy to see anyone resign and go to hell, but we are glad this is over without any blood spilt. There was no blood spilt! The last thing we wanted was violence. Now the church and the Roman state can go about the business of healing and being united in prospering Zion."
Meanwhile Jesus was seen being escorted home (after delivering his letter of resignation to Caiaphas) by a legion of "angels". Said one bystander dressed in a bathrobe and a reed in his hand who preferred to be unnamed "yeah, there were like a lot of angels holding him up and I think like the church is gonna pay for this one! God is not going to take this well. But I didn't know him really, I mean not at all, so don't look at me."
Jesus had created quite a following in his young life. Despite his youth he had at his command at least twelve grown men who believed he was the son of God. He also seemed to have some say in his cousin Johns work, down at the Jordon river. Now he's not even a member of the church. Included in the resignation letter, Jesus reportedly also renounced his birthright and lineage in the Jewish nation. Not only is he not a member the church any longer, he has moved on to "save" another nation other than Israel, according to his closest followers. "It's just too violent and dangerous a place for Jesus to minister his message of peace and non confrontation. He didn't want to condemn Caiaphas and the entire Roman and Jewish nations, so he walked away. Contention is bad--and he refused to engage in any negativity at all. So hopefully he can save the world through non-violent peaceful negotiation."
The man some thought was "the son of God" made news recently when he allegedly fed several hundred people with some muffin tops and a few crab cakes. Jesus frequently broke the rules of sabbath, bathing nude in the pools of Bethesda, and actually healing people for reals without permission from the Sanhedrin, as well as imbibing all together too much wine. (Don't worry anti-winers, it's most likely just grape juice). He was a "rule breaker" and quite unruly. "Let the Romans or the damn Gentiles have him", are the sentiments of many.
Now some say he may be on the fast track to a high level position in the Roman political scene. Powerful Roman leaders would love to have Jesus as a political ally, and now that he is not a Jew, the hope is to use his popularity to quell any ideas of rebellion in Judea. Plus the ladies really like him and he reportedly serves the best homemade wine (ahem- grape juice), at the end of his parties, which are legendary.
What will become of this fledgling movement now that the resignation is official? No one knows for sure, but one thing is for sure, even his former followers believe he is not the Messiah. "This isn't the sacrificial Lamb. The necessary sacrifice cannot be made by walking away and resigning. It took millennia to set all the pieces in place--to fulfill all scripture and to enact this "strange act" by God, and Jesus just threw it all away by resigning, and now there is no atonement, Israel is not redeemed, and Mankind is not redeemed from the fall. Why didn't he just let them revile, persecute and kill him as was prophesied?"
I guess we'll never know. He could have been the one to redeem Israel, but he's still Jesus right? That's gotta count for something...he told inner circle members that "the spirit" told him to resign so I'm sure it's fine. It's like "as if" he made the same sacrifice just without the killing and reviling and the condemnation of the Jews, and without all that "wresting of keys" business. It was the kind thing to do. And we all know death and hell are overcome by acquiescing and negotiation, and stealing off into the night without a peep, so it'll be fine. Don't be judgemental, we all have to go our own way, and this was Jesus' way--that God told him to follow so, "Do this, or do that, it mattereth not..."
Somehow God will save us all anyway--right???
In related news:
A woman who claims to have in her possession the famous previously uncut locks of Jesus, is suing Him. "He told me he was the son of God. I believed him and thought surely I could get some good money at the local bazaar. But now that he's resigned, this hair isn't worth anything. He at least owes me for the lunch I bought him and the cost of the oil I used."
Also: Since Jesus resigned, some scholars are now saying that lucifer may have a chance at getting back in the good graces of the Council in Heaven. See story below.
Also: Signs of the times got you down? Don't believe all you read in the scriptures? Just because all prophecy seemed about to be fulfilled in Jesus doesn't mean it really was going to happen. How to deal positively with a false or fallen Messiah.
Heads are rolling, locks are flowing, don't miss out on the latest trends in the "fashion of Christ" spring robe line.
Oops! I did it again! Did Abraham kill his only son for no reason? The "prototype" of the man just changed when Jesus resigned and walked away. Don't miss this exclusive insider on how to be the man! Hint: its a more loving approach without cruelty, reviling, or any suffering whatsoever except what you imagine up in your mind! You make up the story! (And put it all off on "the Spirit"!), testimonial: "this makes the sacrifice so much easier! Anyone can do it!"
